


Uh, No Homo Bro?

by philsgiggles



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Married, Drunk Dan Howell, Drunken Kissing, Drunkenness, Kissing, M/M, Pain Kink, Rough Kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-16 13:48:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14812533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philsgiggles/pseuds/philsgiggles
Summary: Phil helps a drunk Dan up the twenty seven steps to their apartment on his birthday, forgetting what's behind the door. And that Dan really can't hold his alcohol.





	Uh, No Homo Bro?

**Author's Note:**

> Hmu on Tumblr @moonroomsnuggles! Happy happy birthday to our collective dad! Mr. Daniel James Howell is turning 27!! And it is my duty and privilege to help flood the internet with phanfic on this day. Enjoy, my sweets…

Phil stumbled, laughing, as Dan’s weight crashed suddenly on his side. His knees buckled from the sudden pressure and he wildly crashed a few paces forward. The bland beige wall of the lobby rapidly approached too fast for comfort, and Phil just managed to pull up short at the last second in fear, nose hovering just a few short centimeters away from the hard plaster. _Shit, that was too close._ Phil hastily stumbled away, moving backwards and sideways, towards the staircase leading up to their flat. Wrapping an arm around Dan’s waist, he helped him up the first stair.

“Philly, no!” Dan whined loudly, tugging insistently on the older man’s arm, “They’re too high!”

Phil smiled down at the brunet, the usually taller man resting drunkenly on Phil’s side, and spoke to him fondly in a higher voice, “Bear, you know that we have to get up them if you want to go to bed!”

“Mm,” Dan smiled dreamily and pouted at Phil, big eyes growing wider, “But why can’t I just sleep here?” He started to lower to the floor in a daze, sliding against the wall heavily. _Oh no._ Phil startled and quickly moved to try to help him up, but Dan’s dead weight pulled forcefully against his efforts. And just as Phil predicted, Dan banged his head on the prominent metal rail as he fell. His eyes filled with tears and Phil sighed.

Dan let out a small, “Oh,” bringing a shaky hand up to his head, but he complied when Phil tugged on his wrist again to get him up and moving. He knew they had to get home quickly. The pair managed to make it up two more stairs before Dan forced them to stop again with a particularly demanding whine of his husband’s name. _He always was an emotional drunk._

Phil smiled fondly at him as the brunet wrapped both arms around Phil and pulled him close. He took Phil’s hand in his own and started to hum a slow tune, if it could be called that. From Phil’s point of view, at least, it seemed more like an incoherent amalgam of whatever songs popped into Dan’s head. He could swear he heard a few bars from “Somewhere” from _West Side Story_ ––right before “Girls/Girls/Boys” was thrown in there for good measure. He didn’t mind the randomness of it all, however. He just enjoyed having Dan there with him, even a drunk one.

The couple pressed flush together and smiled at each other, eyes locked. Dan began to turn them around, forgetting where they were, and fell down a step, giggling drunkenly. Phil smiled and helped him back up with their clasped hands. _I need to get him up before he hurts himself, God._

Dan smiled widely at him and pressed their lips together chastely. Phil kissed him back, his heart about to burst at the seams with fondness for the romantic boy. When Dan was sober, he would regret the cheesiness of his actions, Phil was sure, but it was sweet in the moment. Dan started to deepen the kiss, but Phil drew back, all too aware of their public setting. Under normal circumstances, they would never even hold hands in public, but this was Dan’s birthday. Phil could risk being seen to make Dan happy today. He saw Dan pout as Phil moved away, but he just smiled and pulled him up another stair.

Each stair was a struggle. Somehow, they managed to make it up three more before Phil had to stop, out of breath. Dan was the one who did the exercising, not him, though he was regretting that pretty severely at the moment. Dan’s knees knocked against each other and Phil struggled to keep the enormous man upright. His patience was wearing thin, and quickly too, though in his still-delirious state, Dan was completely oblivious to this. He giggled and ran a hand over Phil’s cheek as the black-haired man fought against him, striving to climb another step.

Phil stops and looks Dan in the eye, still speaking to him as if he were a small child, though with an irritated edge to his voice. He knew drunken Dan was a fickle being. One never knew what they were going to get with him. Phil spoke firmly, “Alright, Bear, you have to help me here. Okay?”

Dan nodded slowly, looking down at the grimy floor, “Okay, Philly. I’m sorry.” Phil shook his head in disbelief. Even when he was like this, Phil could never stay mad at him. Usually.

“That’s okay, Bear,” Phil ran a hand through his hair and helped Dan climb two more stairs with an arm still hooked around his waist. He was deep in concentration when all of a sudden the sound of feet pounding down the metal staircase echoed loudly from above. Phil immediately disentangled himself from Dan and took a few hasty steps back. Dan’s eyes widened an almost comical amount and his arms windmilled wildly before clutching at the railing by his side in an effort to keep his balance. Phil pasted on an easy smile as the sound grew nearer. _He_ knew how to hold his alcohol.

The stranger hopped onto the platform that Dan and Phil were trying so desperately to reach, where their flat resided, before quickly jogging down the stairs in front. They were wearing nothing but a pair of pink Nike booty shorts and a teensy tiny little black top that hugged their slim frame, as well as a pair of running sneakers, leaving Phil to wonder _who on Earth is going out for a run at midnight in the city?_ Nevertheless, Phil raised a hand in polite greeting, trying to preserve some sense of dignity. Dan, on the other hand, couldn’t seem to figure out how to do that, and ended up releasing both hands from the rail for an awkward double-wave. Without anything keeping him upright, he quickly and determinedly fell down two stairs before grabbing the rail again. He uncomfortably hoisted himself back up, hips first, with a look of utter confusion. Phil tried to conceal a laugh with an airy cough.

The stranger fixed Phil with a knowing look and continued on their way down, bursting out through the double doors at the entrance. As soon as they’re gone, Phil hurried back to Dan’s side, hoping to avoid any more accidents. Though the night didn’t seem to be heading in that direction from the way Dan wobbled on his feet.

“I told you not to drink too much!” Phil murmured in Dan’s ear as he returned his hand to its nestled place on Dan’s side. They kept walking, hiking up four stairs together. Dan burrowed into Phil and rested his head on his broad shoulder. Phil stumbled, but kept walking purposefully.

“Mmhmm. You always do take _such_ good care of me, Philly,” Dan’s voice dropped half an octave and a chill went up Phil’s spine.

_Oh no. Fuck._

Phil tried to put some force into his voice, “Dan. Not now.” In response, Phil could feel Dan’s arm snake around and grope his ass. Phil stopped short immediately and looked firmly into Dan’s eyes, trying desperately to stop where he knew this was going. Unfortunately, or fortunately, enough, Dan wasn’t dissuaded in the least, and instead turned so that he was facing Phil. He ran his hands through Phil’s soft quiff, looking at his fingers with wonder. All of a sudden, they were pressed close again, but this time there was a… big development.

Phil’s eyes widened as he felt Dan’s length press against his hip, and his voice cracked as he said, “Dan! Not here!”

“Philly!” Dan whined, catching his lip in his teeth and pouting. It would be almost funny how desperate he is––if Phil wasn’t so anxious and fighting so hard not to be _incredibly_ turned on by it.

“Bear, I promise that just as soon as we get to the flat, you get to decide _exactly_ what we do! All we have to do now, Dan, is get there!” Phil said playfully, fully aware that if and when they ever made it up to their flat, Dan would have other things on his mind than having sex (if that’s at all possible—it _is_ Dan, after all).

“Mm, but Philly, I wanna decide _now_.” Dan ran a hand up and over Phil’s chest and rested it on his shoulder. He felt the muscles hiding underneath the thin shirt and his tongue darted out to wet his lips. Phil stonily resisted the urge to kiss him. All he wanted was to take him right there, in that grimy staircase. _Fuck_.

“Alright, Dan. Let’s just get upstairs first, baby,” Phil said, hastily changing tactics again. Dan’s black tee had ridden up at some point during their long trek from Phil gripping at his waist. He ran a finger in little circles on a patch of porcelain skin showing just above his hip subconsciously. As soon as he realized what he’s doing, Phil quickly stopped, but the damage had already been done. Though Phil wasn’t sure that was such a bad thing.

Dan launched himself into a passionate kiss, wrapping himself around Phil and forcing him to take a step backwards. Phil responded in kind, unable to help himself. They intertwined, and hot sparks flew through Phil’s body like wildfire, circling his groin with delicious heat. Phil’s tongue licked into Dan’s mouth and he let out a soft noise.

Phil startled and remembered himself. He quickly distanced himself by climbing a stair. Dan pouts and followed him up quickly, leaning in for another kiss with a smirk.

Phil started to speak but it came out muffled by Dan’s mouth on his, “Mmph––Dan!” He pushed him off gently and climbed another stair to take a moment to breathe, “Dan, you know we can’t do that in public!”

“You think I care?” Dan whined and joined Phil on the higher step, “Philly, I want you so fucking bad.”

“Bear, you know that…” Phil looked at Dan with adoring eyes. He would happily make out with Dan for hours, but tonight, there was a different plan. And they were already late. Phil looked at Dan and began formulating a new plan of action to just _get him up those goddamn stairs_.

“Yes, God, Phil, I know! I’ve known since like a fucking _decade_ ago! It’s always been the rule. But listen, I just––” Phil lunged forward and cut him off with a kiss, grabbing his face with both hand. His mind whirred.

Dan leaned into the small kiss and smiled happily. Phil smirked and grabbed his waist with his free hand, yanking him in closer. Phil indulges the brunet for a moment longer in a chaste kiss before climbing a stair sideways, pulling Dan with him. Dan happily obliged. He hopped up the staircase to meet him, finding the same position as before. He quickly resumed their activities.

“Mm,” Dan licked his tongue against Phil’s bottom lip. But he paused, and Dan pulled away with a confused expression. Phil opened his mouth to say something, but stopped at the last second. He tugged on Dan’s hips and pulled him back in. Phil copied Dan’s earlier move, and Dan eagerly allows entrance. Phil licks into Dan’s mouth, enjoying the familiar feel, the sparks flowing in his blood. This is _his_ Dan, the man _he_ loves. And goddamn if he isn’t the absolute sexiest man Phil has ever seen.

Veritable flames now shot down to lick at his cock as Dan tangled their tongues together sloppily. Phil gasped into the other man’s mouth.

He reached his right arm around Dan and rested it on the small of his back, gently keeping them close. He rapidly hoisted the two of them up another stair, then another, Dan drunkenly stumbling with him. They giggled, foreheads pressed together, before resuming the sloppy kiss. Suddenly, Phil pulled back and looked right into Dan’s eyes with a confident, lustful expression. He grabbed a fistful of Dan’s hair, tugging quickly, and pushed him backwards into the other rail. The metal dug painfully into his skin, and he arched his back with pleasure.

Dan moaned and let his head fall back against the wall with a harsh thud. The sharp pain went straight to his cock, leaving him wanting and needy, and Phil stalked over and pressed back up to him. Dan gasped and grabbed at Phil’s ass through his jeans. He pushed the hemline down to rub teasingly. Phil let out a soft moan. He lowered his head and started mouthing hotly at Dan’s neck, trailing kisses around his favorite spot. Dan bit his lip and Phil felt him clench his shirt in a fist.

“P––Phil you know you can’t––” Dan gasped out. Phil smiled against Dan’s skin and ran his hand over his clothed cock to shut him up, biting down. Hard. The pain made Dan’s vision blur and he let out an involuntary groan. For all of his playful disobedience, Phil made sure to do so on an area that could be covered by Dan’s shirt, all too aware, even in his drunken state, of the consequences otherwise.

Phil gasped for air and broke their embrace with a Titan-esque will. He stumbled up a few more steps and looked down at Dan. His cheeks were flushed and his hair scuffed up. He looked _delicious_. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a warning bell went off, but Phil ignores it, unable to process why at the moment. Not when Dan was looking at him like that. But he was still a few steps below Phil. Shame. He should really fix that.

“Come here, baby boy,” Phil said in a low voice, a smirk on his face, and Dan eagerly stumbled after him, his earlier clumsiness almost forgotten but still lingering. Even as disheveled as he was, Dan was devastating. Phil took a step backwards without thinking and watched Dan approach with bated breath, taking in the beautiful sight before him. He’s very aware of the ever-growing tent in his painted-on jeans. Dan joined him on the step and, without a word, stepped close to Phil, mingling their hot breath. Still looking right in Phil’s eyes, he began to––

“Fuck.” Phil groaned, leaning back out, “Baby. No. We––we can’t right now. Just look at how close we are to––to the flat! Just… come on,” Phil abandoned his “dom voice” completely, trying to shake both himself and Dan out of their lust induced fogs. He ducked out of Dan’s grasp and ran a large hand over his face. He hopped up three stairs in quick succession, hearing Dan chase after him. He turned to him.

“Alright, listen. We both need to settle down. Just as soon as we get inside, I promise you can do anything you want. It’s your birthday, after all. I know. But for now, we just need to take a deep breath and settle. Down,” Phil tried desperately to seem stern, because God knows both of them needed to take that advice right now, but after years of being with the man, Dan saw right through him. Dan just smirked and followed an oblivious Phil up the remaining two stairs to the platform. He watched Phil grope around in his back pocket for the keys, shoulders bunched up around his ears. Dan lazily wondered why he’s so anxious, but brushed it off quickly, his mind on the goal before him.

Dan slid up behind Phil, wrapping his arms around his waist and mouthing wetly at his neck, surprising Phil and making the older man groan audibly and almost drop his keys.

_Too loud. By the door. Shit._

Phil’s eyes widened fully and he whirled around to face Dan. At the same time, he reached a hand behind him, fumbling around until he twisted the key into place and heard a satisfying _click_.

“Just please, Dan,” Phil whispered. He sighed, running a hand through his own hair in an effort to tame it, “Oh God…” He shut his eyes for a second to regain the strength that had long since abandoned him. _This is a bad idea._ He opened the door slowly.

“SURPRISE!” Suddenly, the lights flashed on, burning black spots into Dan’s unprepared retinas. Phil cringed away from the sudden onslaught of sound and light. Their eyes adjusted and they looked into their flat.

Dozens of people were crammed into their flat’s entryway. Dan noted Louise, Pj, and a host of his and Phil’s friends, including some college pals, as well as a few members of their family scattered here and there. Martyn and Cornelia were stood front and center with enormous party hats on. His first instinct was to laugh in giddy surprise (for once, Phil could keep a secret from him!), but he immediately sobered up when he saw the collective expression on their party guests’ faces.

All of the guests gathered were looking at the pair with a similar look of utter shock and disbelief. Except, of course, for Pj and Sophie, who look as if they’re about to burst out laughing. It took Dan a moment to fully understand why, and he glanced at Phil in confusion. He saw the older man looking back at him, fighting desperately to keep in a smile, and it immediately clicked. He pulled his phone out of his back pocket, where it, thankfully, hadn’t fallen out that night, and swiped over to his camera.

He aimed it at himself and for a moment, he couldn’t formulate a single thought. Dan’s clothes were ruffled, hair mussed, and he was sporting a nice big love bite, courtesy of Phil. He quickly tried to pull his collar over it, but it was too late. And Phil himself was no better, with his enormous dilated pupils, pants that were hanging almost off his ass, showing snippets of skin and black boxer, and shirt that had ridden up incredibly high (that he was currently fixing with a few quick adjustments). Both were panting heavily, and it was almost painfully obvious exactly why they were so late to the party––that Phil organized himself. The party that had all of their friends and family shoved into one little room, all looking right at the couple. Who, by the way, were still standing in the entryway of their own flat, unable to move.

“No homo… bro?” Dan supplied. A smile tugged at his lips.

Phil snorted.

A beat.

And then everything erupted into noise.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments make me happier than Phil shocking the phandom with his birthday message!!


End file.
